Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
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