i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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