If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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