I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
