I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
