I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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