I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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