I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
