I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
