Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
