I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
