Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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