I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
