this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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