My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
