I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
