I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I have aggressive nipples.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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