A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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