her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
