He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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