Apparently you make a good broom.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
