Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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