The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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