Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
