I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
