We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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