Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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