my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
