How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I can't turn off my feet"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
