New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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