I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
