Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Pants are for mortals
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
