I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
