Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
