I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
