how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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