from now on my penis is your penis
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
