theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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