Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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