I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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