I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
