Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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