What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We left an ass print on the piano.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
