Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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