if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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