he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize