Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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