what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
People in love make me want to vomit
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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