evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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