i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
