If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
