I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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