so that wasnt chicken after all
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
