Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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