we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
