There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
