i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
