is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
