this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
