When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
